


Skyfall

by stxrs



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Injury, Car Chases, Child Abuse because Ray sigh, Drug Use, F/M, Fights, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Graphic Description, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Sexual Content, Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Violence, fluff? i don't know her, mature - Freeform, psychopathy, yay another work with slow updates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-06-21 20:00:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15565350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stxrs/pseuds/stxrs
Summary: Suffocation was. . . Another story.One that would be told quite soon, after the skyfall.In another words, when lawyer Luna Vals thinks that the photographer only needed a lawyer; she doesn't just find herself breaking apart from her old instincts rising but also in the sky of two collapsing stars.And in the blue eyed man's soul.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Do NOT read if you haven't played the following stories:  
> 1) Secret.  
> 2) Another.
> 
> I know a lot of people don't use these any warnings anymore but honestly I feel like I should so if you didn't play these stories or don't know the storyline; beware of the spoilers.

 Sometimes on really sleepless nights, she could think more.

  
It wasn't as if the oppurtunity wasn't present during the day, it was that the night had a lot more causes, emptiness and sneaky cards to put on a table. Maybe a nice, oak table; she thought. Polished and everything. The kind that would be used for more than three decades and the table that would go from fancying a newlyweds house to becoming the antique of the old couples home, where they tell stories about their 'good old times', the years that were filled with all the 'glamour' and their golden times. Maybe also with tons of memories too. Of course, by that time most of the polish would be gone and the table would be filled with countless stains. Juice, coke, sauces, ketchup, coffee, tea, wine, whiskey, tekila from a teen party, beer of the game night, green tea of the diet phase. . . You name it.

  
Ah. She overthought.

  
  It was two in the morning. Well. It wasn't that surprising. Actually, it was better than usual since it was only stress nowadays. Even the silly detailed thoughts of a silly desk was better than stressed so she didn't think twice about not leaving the bed. Maybe she could fall asleep tonight and it would last a bit longer that four hours. If only her body agreed with that.

  
It wasn't something she struggled to understand. Things just got complicated these last months and she being she, she kept being the most overreacting, overemotional person to ever exist. It was as if she was a walking drama star, one thing she despised but she also knew that it was one thing she was, at times. But about that, she sort of held on to the fact that she wanted to be better than that. So that was one thing. . . Being the better thing. Did that matter?

  
She tried hard. Maybe it should.

  
(It really doesn't.)

  
  The weather was killing after it was three, when she knew that sleep was a distant dream. After a cold shower that made water feel like tiny dagger droplets, she decided to have a quick snack. (Just the greens from the other day and some ham. Maybe with some iced tea.)

  
She decided to eat on the medium sized balcony, with the gorgeous view and the comfortable sofa. The sky looked breathtaking in the early early morning. The sun would rise soon to kill the moon, to be the star of the long day. To be the infinite, ultimate need of everyone; to fulfill everyone. What would people do without the sun?

  
  Researchers say that a lot.  _" 'What would people do without the sun?' You won't believe the newest theory by this really smart researcher! "_  It wasn't anything new to the public, the theory of the sun just. . . Dissappering. Being gone from our lives.

  
But  _philosophically_. . . Wouldn't everything fall if the sun exploded one day? If it just started to keep consuming the energy of the universe until it became too much, until it had enough like all the existing things. What then, if it couldn't take it anymore? If it was too much, so it blew and filled the planets, the universe, the world, the sky and all the existence with venomous,  _blinding_  rays that would end all the life inside each living being.

  
And then. . . There would be nothing but dark. The universe would keep existing, that was forever. However, the stars would die down. The planets would be dust, the world would be dead.

  
And the sky would fall. Darkness would reign as the air only contained the planet and star dusts along with the ashes of all those miserable souls.   
The darkness the sun had created would reign everywhere as it emptied everything around it. Even the closest things.

  
But truly. . . Who could survive the skyfall without embracing death, inside and out? How could one survive being blinded, then being pushed inside internal also eternal darkness?

  
_Overthought_. Once again.

  
  The other stars looked less bright. As if the sky was waiting. . . No, getting ready for something. Luna decided to stand watching. She always enjoyed the sight of the sky, or any good view in particular. But the sky felt a little more. . . Out of limits. More free. As if she could fly away any second, like it would only take a single grasp. . .

  
Of course not. She really had to stop being so childish. It felt stuck up. Selfish. She had to leave her head every once in a while.

  
Could she? It felt almost impossible at times. There it was, her making things more complicated again. Frankly Luna was used to it since it was how her mind worked ever since she was a child-- Programmed to craft new problems any day, any hour, any minute, any second. Luna was both used to it and not so used to it. The stress that comes with that is something you can get used to-- However the side effects are not. Not living your life to the fullest, the constant fear, the constant pressure, the feeling that tells her to constantly be on tiptoe, to be extra detailed or that she'd mess up every single of her responsibilities. Her chances of success.

  
The feeling that constantly reminded her that if she ever stopped walking tiptoe, that she would lose everything.

  
Luna didn't find that something you could just get used to. The human mind, when it faces fear, does -usually- one of the three things.

  
One, to tune it down with a motive. It could be a person, a place, a thing. Just something or someone to hold on to.

  
Two, face it. Dismiss it. Destroy it, it doesn't really matter how it happens.

  
Three, "You will die." If the state of mind was to be summarized with a single sentence. It wasn't so hard to guess what Luna was. A soft three. On the other hand. . . Other people were much more different. She could never figure other people out without knowing their motives or their personality. Which was the worst thing because figuring out someone was figuring out a personality already. When the second happened after the first, wouldn't it be late? Wouldn't she already be naked in front of someone she didn't even fully know? Wouldn't she have zero difference from a lamb waiting for a hunter to get her?

  
  The society was scary. That's why Luna prefered her works, her books and her mind first.

  
She liked the art that was all around her house. She liked to decorate her house with all the art pieces she could find, just so she could get the. . Familiar, old house vibe out of it since her mother forced her to let her decorate the her place.

  
The vibe of the house she grew up in wasn't bad, especially considering all the oppurtunities she was given by her family while growing up. But frankly, she wasn't a fan of all the memories of hers in that house.

  
  The house that she tasted the first, addicting drops of suffocation that would follow her her whole life. Say, like how her work never seemed fulfilling or how family, or any sort of any relationship faded away.

Like the feeling of frustration running inside her body like a wild, unstoppabable rush of heroin. Oh, also like heroin. Or cigarettes.

  
  Or no one in particular. . . But a single breath, a single sigh and a single tear of an artist; who was nothing but a human; a pendulum of mysteries, old loves, sadness, mistakes and a will to only breathe.

Suffocation was. . .  _Another story._

  
One that would be told quite soon, after the  ** _skyfall_**.


	2. Happily Married

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lawyer wasn't supposed to be at the police station this often. Or this late.  
> However, things just happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: The story is set in the past so the birthdates of V and Jumin are in the early 80's. Trying something different is funner. Also the story IS what it is but the way it goes to what it IS is what I will change. So this isn't an AU, things will happen but I will change how they happen. 
> 
> fuck im shy anyway have fun x

**OCTOBER 17TH, 2009**

  
  Her phone rang like crazy. And it wasn't good, she could tell. Usually this wasn't so strange, late night calls. It was a natural part of being a lawyer -a good one- to not get any or not at all sleep. People just did terrible, sick shit and you just had to be there to defend them, good or bad. If it were a decade ago, Luna knew that she would be sick of herself. Her teen self would despise her until the end if she knew that Luna became that materialistic.

  
But sometimes years just go by and you just start to find the good in the bad. You have to find the good in the bad, if you didn't, would life even be liveable? Enjoyable, at any sort of kind or level?

  
She was suspicious about that as she managed to grab her phone right next to her from the kitchen table, sleeping on the desk truly had it's perks.

  
"Vals Law Firm, how can I help you?"

  
This felt utterly meaningless and empty, naturally after saying it for hundreds of times by now.

  
Usually she would still be sleepy but taking notes at the same time, however the person on the other line was breathing so rapidly it was enough to sober her up from her sleep and the smokes she had before that. The breaths were short, unsteady, sort of long at the same time and were followed by quiet whimpers. The man on the other line perhaps thought that she couldn't notice but it was hardly unnoticable, fear. Fear could have been written by his whimpers without the need of words, he made it so concrete without noticing. . .

  
Worry dripped from his words as he started speak with his honey voice.

  
"Is this. . " He stopped, he was perhaps looking for a card. It happened a lot.

  
"Luna Vals? Lawyer Luna Vals?"

  
It was so much like honey, with a drop of melancholy.

  
"Yes, how can I help you sir?"

  
"I think. . ."

  
Her grip on the pen tightened. "I'm listening."

  
"I think I killed my wife."

  
She sighed quietly, this wasn't the first time and wouldn't be the last either. But managed to get some information.

  
"Do you think you can get me out from this? I have a life ahe--"

  
"I'm going to need some answers. When did the event occur? "

  
"Ten minutes ago,"

  
"Exactly, ten minutes ago?"

  
"Yes. I counted."

  
She looked at her armwatch. Four twenty seven. Ouch.

  
_Time of death: 4:17._

  
"How did she die? Please be specific,"

  
The line went silent, dead silent. Crocodile tears, obviously. Charm was a common trait of them, people like him. People who would appear as innocent the moment they spoke to someone but news flash, they were the most dangerous ones. The silent, the innocent. . . Why did people think that they were people to take for granted? They had the secrets, the bad, the good, the light, the dark, the lust, the twists. . .

  
"I. . I shot her. Fifteen times. Eight on the chest, three on the head and four on arms and legs."

  
Luna felt her blood going ice cold, as if her muscles froze the moment he stopped, like they were so tense, a couple could walk on them as if it was tightrope.

  
"Bastard," She muttered.

  
"What?"

  
"I mean, why did you do that?"

  
"She wanted to leave me." He replied that so quickly, it felt even deadlier.

  
"Did she do you any harm?"

  
"No. She was just another housewife who wanted to leave me and to be 'on her own'. As if,"

  
It took her a couple more minutes to have more grasp on the clues and the case, she then sighed.

  
Luna sighed. "You're right sir. That's true. Let me put you on hold, I will call a friend of mine and we will see what we can do about it, just wait, alright? Also, I might need to drive there. Could you please give me your address?"

  
"Of course. Soon street, Velvet Bl. , Number eight. Is that enough?"

  
Luna replied after finding the location on her laptop. "Yes, sir. Thank you, please wait for a couple of minutes. I will return."

  
She could feel his eyeroll as he spoke. "Make it quick, lawyer."

  
"I certainly will."

  
She put him on hold and dialed another number with an incredible speed.

  
"Hello? Seoul police station?"

  
"How may I help you?"

  
"I would like to report a murder on Soon street. The building is called Velvet and it occured in apartment eight. A man shot his wife to death, just fourteen minutes ago."

  
"And you know that because. . ?"

  
Luna rolled her eyes, then spoke bitterly. "Cut the crap and tell your chef that Luna is reporting a murder. He'll tell you who to suspect and who to not."

  
After she hung up, she muttered some stuff about 'driving there' to that crazy bastard and started to wear something that aren't sweatpants since she had to go be questioned at the station. It was scary how often this happened. It was terrifying how many people called her in a month for hurting, manipulating, lying, killing, injuring someone they 'love'. Love was supposed to make you lose gravity, not to lose your touch with it. It was supposed to be sacrifice. To be something that could never be born from envy, anger, doubt. . . But the thing was, these emotions were nothing. . But human.

  
Were we set to hate? We were taught to? Or was it god testing us again and again until we were vanished.

  
Luna didn't know about that, but if there was something she believed in it was the fact that you could never, ever hurt someone you love like that. . No matter what it was.

  
It wasn't about how morally wrong it was nor the society.

  
It was about all those cracks in your heart with the slightest danger happening to that person. It was about that lump in your throat with the thought of that person and it going away with the touch of their hand. With a slightest glance, a touch. A kiss.

  
It was about the heart.

  
  "This is your all time record now, isn't it?"

  
"I stopped counting a year ago, so I don't know." Luna answered, cockily.

  
"Please. . There are twenty couples here just tonight. . . Trust me, I can't even tell who is worse,"

  
He then went on.

  
"This is the eighteenth this month alone. And you saved ten people from dying. Maybe you should have been working here all the time." Detective Park pointed out with a smirk on his face.

  
"Eigh of them died." Luna expressed. "They got killed after I got the calls, you know that."

  
Detective Park pouted mockingly. "Stop that! You can't just control psychopaths, alright? It's the first thing they teach you at the police academy."

  
"Maybe that's why people die."

  
"Fuck-- This isn't about you. You still helped eight people, alright? You need to learn to let things go."

  
_But if I do. . . Will I survive the consequences?_

  
"Why do these people keep calling you anyway? Aren't your usual cases more normal?"

  
"They are. But I think after the Vivera case I just had a crappy reputation."

  
_Vivera. One thing I could never let go of. One person who could never let go of my mind._

"It's fine now." The detective expressed.

  
"I know. I don't need your words to know that,"

  
"I know--"

  
  Then an explosion of words were suddenly present at the police station, right under the angel statue right on top of the door of the questioning room; the words strong enough to shake the walls and make her stop in her tracks within the first set of words.

  
It was the sweetness of honey. . . Going sour.

  
"You. . You cold hearted whore! I'm going to kill you. . . I'm going to kill you like I killed her!" Him, as the police held him from attacking anyone. (She knew 'anyone' was her. She wasn't that dumb or inexperienced.)

  
She could feel the stares of everyone -including even criminals- , and all of them felt like tiny sharp needles on her skin.

  
Nevertheless, she kept her head high; still looking at the eyes of this monster of a man.

  
"No. . . No. Wouldn't that be too easy for you? Yes it would. I will get you. I will have you. . I will make you regret even breathing, I will hurt you to the point that you beg me like a dog. And then, after you try to kill yourself for multiple times. . I will kill you with my BARE hands!" He growled, as he tried to free himself from the two police officers behind him but it was no use. They were too strong anyways. However still, she could feel detective Park pulling her behind him gently.

  
"Take him away," He ordered the officers quickly, then gestured her to have a seat. "Would you like some water? Coffee? Anything?"

  
"Tea would be alright. Thanks, Park."

  
"Yeah yeah-- Just keep the abusers coming. It's good for the paycheck," He muttered, then walked away smoothly.

  
Luna smirked a little, then started to look around as people calmed down within seconds. She took out her phone and texted some people or two, then read some emails. When she felt her eyelids going heavy once again, she looked up to the disgustingly white lights, then the huge wooden clock that was placed into the wall right under the paneling.  
Five thirty. Great.

  
That was when she discovered a new glance coming from the seat beside her. Just staring with their full power, those big eyes. Big, blue, disturbingly symmetrical. Looking right in her face as if they were trying to not stare at her but her soul, what was behind her brown eyes. As the ocean eyes traveled to her furrowed brows that looked like two strongly pigmented pieces of quality brown silk, she started to look at his hands instead of those big eyes. (Big, blue, symmetrical and beautiful.)

  
In his hands, he held a fabric napkin that was perhaps specifically made for him, it's whiteness painted by blood. She first hesitated when she saw the blood but was immediate to notice the huge wound on his hand. Which made her internally worried for the man, because fuck, that really was a massive wound with too much red.  
With a length of five inches, his flesh was torn apart so much she could see the pink in between all that blood. The blood covered the whole napkin and it was obvious that he has been waiting for a long time, why wasn't anyone treating him? His veins were probably affected and would never be the same, his flesh started to go purple even . . . There were bruises around the wound and heavily on his knuckles, however she knew that they weren't from fighting. 

  
Punching flesh had lighter bruises than punching walls. Been there. Something was tempting his patience, testing him and maybe he took it out on an unliving object. But the wound was definitely not the cause of that. You couldn't just get a five inch long wound all by yourself. You either had to be a child or really clumsy and he clearly wasn't the type.

  
Big eyes, big puffy eyes.

  
"That's going to get infected, you know." She pointed out, not being able to help the words that came out of her mouth-- but immediately regretting for not being gentle when she spoke.

  
His stares went back to his hand and then back to her-- "Ah, true."

  
"I'm sorry if that was rude but would you like another napkin? I have paper ones but. . . "

  
He ran a hand on his forehead with his good hand, then sighed. "That would be nice actually, thank you."

  
Luna smiled slightly with a silent charm screaming out for her to keep the conversation going with the mysterious man. She got up from her spot and sat right next to him, then asked gently with a pint of shyness, "May I?" she pointed at his hand.

  
He nodded, then let her hold his hand for a look.

  
"You need to get this cleaned up. . . In the next few hours, it's a dangerously big wound."

  
"That's true."

 

"My mother was a nurse so I think I can do some temporary bandaging with the napkins, but it may hurt a little. May I?"

  
He stayed puzzled for a second or two, as if someone was watching, as if someone was wishing for him to go through this complex seconds; like someone was waiting for him to give the wrong answer, whatever it was.

  
". . Temporary, you say?"

  
"Yes. A doctor should check it out soon but I can make you gain a couple more hours, you seem like you'll be here for a while."

  
"Alright. . ?"

  
"Luna. Your welcome. . ?"

  
"Kim. Jihyun Kim. "

  
"Okay. . Let me go get some water and some tape. I'll be right back,"

  
He nodded, then stopped after a few seconds, his face going confused.

  
_"_. _. Tape?"_

  
  "You sure look like you have your doubts,"

  
He smirked a little. "I can't lie about that. It's tape."

  
"It's temporary to keep the flesh together so the infection doesn't get any worse. . But you should take it off later today. This doesn't look very good, frankly. Are there any glass pieces in the wound? May I ask how it occured?"

  
He was silent for a few seconds, "It was an accident, performed while cooking."

  
_A five inch wound?_

  
Luna could tell he was lying but didn't bother to push, he could simply feel uncomfortable and feeling like that while someone was tending your wounds would just be. . . Vulnerable. Luna tried his best to show care because of her doubt. _What if he's a bad person? What if this is a waste? Will he try to take me down?_

  
_Keep calm. You don't know him. Be gentle. Be kind. Be what you used to be._

  
_No one deserves to feel vulnerable._

  
"I understand. Alright-- Now I'm going to wrap this with these napkins-- I'm terribly sorry about that. I tried to get some bandages but they didn't let me have any. Don't worry though, I know what I'm doing. I was a clumsy child,"

  
He smiled at that. Did she just made him smile? That felt. . Warm. He had a good one.

  
"What do you do for a living, Jihyun?" She started to ask to distract him a little since he was in obvious pain even though he tried hard to not show it. (Pale as a marble and shaky as jello, his eyes kept closing themselves when waves of pain hit him.)

  
"I'm a photographer. I go by the name V. "

  
"Wait, really? I think I have one or two works of yours at my house. I really admire your work. "

  
He was surprisingly too surprised at that, however was too tired to show it.

  
"Really? I'm honoured to be admired by you, may I ask which ones they are?"

  
"Forgive me if I have slight wrongs since I got them three years ago but I believe one was 'Compulsion' by your collection called Tension and the other is in fact a painting. Now I admire all your art but truly, your painting is one of an all time favourite of mine."

  
"Don't tell me. . . Do you happen to have 'Thunderstorms' ?

 

"Yes! I really admire that one."

  
"Why? Oh-- Sorry if that felt rude, however I'm geniunely curious,"

  
  She thought for a second, then replied. "Well. . That's a fairly good question I think. But 'Thunderstorms', to me, represents something that appears calm at first. Like the sea before a storm itself. But the more you apply the paint and harden your brush moves towards the right side, it's just seen-- No, felt that calm isn't calm. Things just add to themselves, get tangled, dark, complex, and then explode. It's actually the circle of life that we ignore, an actual aspect. Maybe that's why it's painful for us. The least you expect, the stronger it affects you. But I'm no artist, so I don't think my answer was that good anyway, I'm sure you have the rightest aspect on it."

  
"How do you make a living?"

  
"I'm a lawyer. "

  
"Oh. " He sort of seemed interested. (Odd one.) "Corporate or. . ?"

  
"No, I have my own law firm. Vals. It's my last name."

  
He seemed creepily interested, Luna was sort of puzzled. People usually stopped asking questions after the "I'm a lawyer. " Part. It really wasn't so special.

  
"It's a beautiful one-- What type of cases do you work on?"

 

"Family, immigration and criminal. . . I'm lucky that I had the time to practice all--"

  
"Divorces?" He asked eagerly.

  
She furrowed her brows doubtfully but answered anyways, "Yes, of course. Family. "

  
He then took his hand back slowly when the wrapping was over. "Thank you so much, Miss Vals."

  
"Oh- Please. Luna. "

  
"Right, my apologies, Luna. That's a strange name. Where are you from?"

  
"I'm half Croatian. It's my grandmothers name actually. We moved here when I was seven. But you didn't ask that." She smirked, annoyed at herself.

  
Meanwhile he was scanning the questioning room's door, waiting for something unpatiently as if there were zero time left in his hands; in the whole universe. She could feel the anxiety building inside his chest.

  
"Is everything alright?"

  
"Yes- I-- May I have your card please? Your, uh, business card?"

  
"Of course," The moment he had it, he buried it deep inside his jacket pocket with a rush of adrenaline.

  
  After a minute or two of a mixed silence and chit chatting, the door of the questioning room opened once again, revealing a blonde woman with a smile; a fake smile to cover a pout. Jihyun got up from his seat after muttering a quick "Thanks," and walked towards her with that same speed. The woman smiled as he embraced her lover and pressed a kiss on his cheek while muttering something in his ear, one thing that made him precisely smile. She then held his good hand, leaning her head on his shoulder. -It was more of an attempt since she was too short.- The couple made their way out of the police station, the tension just a minute ago leaving the air in a flash.

  
  "Hey, the tea machine is broken so I got you some iced tea, is that okay?"

  
"Yeah, yeah. I want to ask something about a possible client, is that okay?"

  
Detective Park nodded. "Obviously."

  
"Who was that man? I mean I know that but why was he here?"

  
" _He_ wants a lawyer?"

  
Luna furrowed her brows. "What about it?"

  
"This is his third time this month, in here. He's usually not the guilty party but he just keeps getting involved in strange stuff."

  
"What sort of strange stuff?" She raised her brow.

  
"I never really paid attention to his files or anything-- I just see him a lot and the gossips are. . You should talk to Lisa, that's her case usually. But it's late. You should go home now, I'll tell her to give you a call. "

  
"Are you sure?"

  
Park rolled his eyes. "Yes. One hundred percent. Positive. A- Okay. Go home. Eat. Sleep. Just leave."

  
As she started to walk out of the station, Luna thought of two things.

One, the way his mood changed when he heard the whispered word and two:

  
_"Divorces?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I'd love to have more opinions so don't be shy like me lmao, sigh. Publishing stuff actually feels really tensing so I could really use some thoughts. Thank you for being here and reading the chapter, I hope you enjoyed x Good morning/noon/night wherever you are.
> 
> socials:  
> twitter: @adoleswercy  
> tumblr: mysticswercy


	3. Do you need wine?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> do your mistakes define you? or do you define them? jihyun first had to know that first.  
> right after sex, cigarettes and wine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slight smut warning i guess?

**OCTOBER 17TH, 2009**

**23:49 PM**

  
"I love you. You're doing great, baby. Keep going, ah!" He started to push himself into her faster and stronger as he heard her screams, thinking that this would at least please her today. By 'please': To make her calm today. She already hated the fact that he bandaged his hand at the station so he tried his personal best to make sure that there wouldn't be any outbursts especially today.

  
_I still remember her words when I left my seat at the station and walked up to her when she was done with the questioning. The way she parted her venomous lips, the way the muscles on her face shaped as she furrowed her brows in the most original way of hers; tender, but firm. Her wonderful mask._

  
_I remembered the sentence as each word that left her lips turned into snakes and bit my ear._

  
_"I thought that you could resist the pain I gave you. . You're weak, V."_

  
_I know I did wrong. I did wrong with Rika, I did wrong with people. I did mistakes but ended up trapped in them. But what she told me right before kissing me on my cheek was even worse._

  
_"If you can't handle it. . Maybe I should go for the other side of your hand next time."_

  
_She was already angry because of the neighbours domestic abuse report, so I had to keep her satisfied for a couple of days. I do not know what to do anymore. I feel cornered with each of her words, terrified with all her moves. . I can not even behave like I used to to others. I lost my will._

  
_I wish to die, sometimes._

_But then I remember what I live for. I live for my mother, I live for the life she didn't have the chance to have. I live, so that all her unspoken words wouldn't go to a waste._

  
_However, I can't deny; I am drowning._

_I can not breathe because of this monster who takes all my energy, I feel suffocated more and more each day. But I will survive. And then. . . I will rise._

  
"V. . My sun, why did you stop?"

  
_The sight of my own wife couldn't even erect me anymore, no matter how nude and vulnerable -as much as she can be- she was._

  
_Sometimes. . . I think about her. Rika._

  
_Sometimes I think of what we were and what we can still be. Sometimes I try to be the best husband I can ever be, I try to get her help, I try to be with her when she has terrors, I let her test me. . ._

  
_Do I still love her?_ _Do I want to know the answer of that question?_

_Both questions remain as a mystery, for now at least. I need some time apart first. To think. To consider. To kill the monster I have become; I need to know what I am, I need to be myself again. Not a star, nothing. I want to be a man, only a man, again. And for that, I know that I will have to decide._

  
_However not now._

  
"I want to. . . Give you more love, Rika." V blurted out, hoping that she wouldn't be suspicous.

  
Rika cupped his face with her hands as she spoke. "You're more than enough, V; just- Finish. . . Please. . " Jihyun could feel himself getting uncomfortable again when he remembered the fact that the word 'please' as in 'please' never left the bedroom. However he tried to clear his thoughts, if he could at least give Rika what she wanted maybe she would just sleep. (Another thing she stole from him.)

  
Jihyun usually closed his eyes or played with his imagination to achieve that. To give her what she wants.

One day, Rika would be a random celebrity, another she would be a model, another day she would be this pretty woman he saw outside, at a restaurant, et cetera. . . It was the only way he could be free for a while.

_W_ _ork your imagination._

  
_A bed at a luxury hotel, late night, early morning, moans, curtains all pulled, secrets unleashed, love scars made. . . I'm kissing a silhouette with an insane lust that I have never felt for a while, I leave hickeys and more moans only, I trail down to her medium sized breasts and press rough kisses on both; for the freedom they make me feel. For the rush, and the loss of breath that I surprisingly enjoy._

  
_Without wasting more time, I skip the teasing because of the rush of energy I suddenly feel, and then push myself inside the pretty woman; as I look up her face to press a kiss on her lips._

  
_It's her this time, not a celebrity, nor the woman from the post office._

  
_The lawyer, miss Vals, Luna._

  
_"Jihyun," She moans my name, that's when I go faster; as if each thrust would be a damage to this cage I was in. "Jihyun!"_

  
_I can hear myself starting to groan, it's light, I know I'm about to come._

  
_I touch her breasts, squeezing them roughly as I start thrusting harder each second; losing myself more with each moan my imagination crafts. I press kisses on her neck, I keep going. . ._

  
_Until she's gone._

  
Jihyun sat on the bed, watching the ceiling as his wife slept next to him. He felt disgusted with himself, he felt disgusted with his mind, with what he lets Rika do to him, of what he have become; of the unnecessary person he became.

  
With or without Rika; he would think.

  
_I'm a waste of space._

  
He reached for the pack of cigarettes on the nightstand and lit one, watching the smoke go around the room slowly. Usually a smoke would be enough to relax him, however tonight. . . He needed something stronger. He obeyed her again after all, he obeyed the endless circle she created; the endless circle he caused her to create.

It was all his fault. How could he let everything fuck up so much? How could he be this bad of a husband, this bad of a human?

  
How could he live after all of this?

  
When the worst part was, that he still couldn't figure out if he still loved Rika or not. Rika always said, _"Who would love you if I weren't here? Your mother?"_

  
_Who would love me? When I am the worst personas combined in one frustration of a body._

  
Jihyun was walking between the aisles at four in the morning, looking for his poison. He reached for the whiskey bottle first; however it wasn't really his style. Tekila was for babies. Vodka made him happy, though how could he face happiness when he should be feeling melancholy forever?

  
Jihyun knew that he was guilty. He always thought that he deserved the punishment of eternal melancholy.

  
He then reached for something familiar. A bottle of Red Crailente, Jumin's favourite. He was paying for the bottle when he realized what was obvious.

  
_I do not need wine._

 

 

_I need to vanish._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was my first attempt at smut and i'm just hsadjgfyu. thank you for reading, loves! i strangely enjoy writing this fic and sharing it with other people is just a really warm feeling, thank you. have a great day!


	4. Sex Parties & Wednesday Night Smokes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luna spends a usual day around with the unsteady state of her mind, to receive an unexpected e-mail at the end of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> READ BEFORE THE CHAPTER: this unfortunately is filler-ish. if you have read tightrope (saeran fic) i think you know that i like to give my oc's personalities. i like to give them problems and a spirit and everything that's missing on the actual mc because it's more real! also i'm trying my best to improve as a writer too but i think i can never satisfy myself. wee insecurities  
> anyway, as i said, sometimes i will get detail oriented and im so sorry! but please don't find me boring because i have tons of story arcs in my head and i cant wait to share more of them.   
> loves x

**OCTOBER 21ST, 2009**

  
Mornings were nothing new. Especially mornings spent with Alina, more specifically mornings that were spent with Alina in the office, the mornings that started at three in the morning. Luna could hear Alina's sighs clearly as she tried to focus on her recent e-mails from the immigration guy she was contacting for extra time for a case. It was a difficult one, however she tried her personal best to manage to have more time. It wasn't like the case was complicated, it was simply another deportation because of custody. However one, they never gave a notice to the girl in the first place and two, Luna really didn't want her to be deported. She was only fourteen, going through the death of her godparent already and now, an orphanage wouldn't accept her just because she didn't fill the years to have a citizenship?

  
No one deserved to be homeless, no one deserved to not have family-- But most importantly, no one deserved to be kicked out of a country that they call their home. No one deserves to be forced out of somewhere, not knowing what to do, what awaits them. . . That was the feeling of your hands being tied and _fourteen_. .

  
Was too early for such feeling. Too young.

  
"Alina, did the idiot from immigration give you a call?" Luna sighed at the man's empty words that meant nothing except for their look. Clearly he had no intention of helping her in any way. Alina lifted her head from the files she was organising, fixing her hair a little. She always did that when she tried to remember something, even when her hair was perfect already like now.

  
"Um. . No. Was he supposed to?" Alina checked, to see if she could have missed his call.

  
After all being a secretary wasn't so easy, however being Luna's secretary was the worst at times. Flexible work hours, all nighters, dealing with morons. . Alina always wondered how Luna could take it, she was the lawyer. _Stubborn girl. . It's not obvious, but that girl has the patience of a god._ Alina's mother used to say about Luna. Maybe she wasn't all that wrong.

  
"No. Though I thought that he would at least have the manners to call because his emails are useless. "

  
"What do you mean?"

  
"Just look," She gestured Alina to come closer to the computer. "It's like he's a bot or something. Keeps repeating the same stuff only with different words. Fuck," She let out a breath.

  
"I really want that girl to stay here. At least she has friends, memories. . A life here. On somewhere else she would just be. . "

  
_Would she? What if she ends up bad?_

  
_What if she hurts you?_

  
"Luna?"

  
"Shit, I knew you'd get stressed but not this again. . Hey,"

  
"I'm fine. I'm sorry. I think we need to go home. Yeah. Can you come to the office when the work hours start? I think I'm going to have to pay a visit to some places."

  
"Are you, okay?"

  
"It's just me. "

  
Alina looked at her, then her purse, then at the door. God, she really did want to leave.

  
"Will you go home?" Alina blurted out while walking back to her desk for her purse.

  
"Perhaps. It's early. "

  
Alina nodded. "When do you want me to head back and open the office?"

  
"Anytime before eleven. It's wednesday anyway, so it won't be very crowded before that. But not later than eleven, we have that three siblings for their father's will and they'll be here at eleven twenty."

  
"Will you be here at eleven twenty?"

  
"If not I'll send someone. I have to head to the court at nine thirty, I don't know how long that will last."

  
"Understood," Alina nodded once again, then bit her lip to adjust the silence after that. The silence Luna had created with the loudness her thoughts crafted inside her mind. The silence when in a conversation with Luna happened often so Alina was used to it, but she also felt tense for her friend. Luna tried hard to manage herself, her business and her relationships so hard. She tried hard even though a lot of things could make her uncomfortable easily and that just made Alina mad because it was unfair.

  
How could bad people be so comfortable about being bad when good people would never forgive themselves for being bad? (Or insecure. )

  
"Hey, Alina. Do you have your lighter with you?"

  
"Yeah. " Alina took the medium sized lighter with small kittens on it from her purse and threw it at her.

  
"This again? What sort of a cat- fetish do you have?"

  
Alina rolled her eyes, "Oh, as if."

  
Luna smirked softly "This is your eighth lighter with kittens, you have a hello kitty phone by your nightstand and all those stickers on your laptop?"

  
"Whatever!" Alina looked up as she put on her red sunglasses, "Hey- Can you give me a ride? I left my metrocard at home."

  
"Alright. . Kitten."

  
"Shut up!"

  
  _I lit my first cigarette as soon as Alina left. She was trying to quit already, so I think it was a good call to take her last lighter. I already 'borrowed' her other lighters -kitties EVERYWHERE- and her stove is broken. She can't smoke today at least, and I am happy for that. Alina deserves to have a long, happy life with success, luck and all the love in this world. Sometimes I think that such good people shouldn't be facing all of this- This world. This filthy society, all the capitalist men, wild women, screaming kids and all that. . ._  
 _Sometimes I think. In fact, sometimes I think too much._

  
_Why do we live? To give ourselves the mirage of wealth? Concrete items? Emotions? Or as religion puts it, "To fill the world." ? Was our only purpose fucking our way to everywhere?_   
_It comes and goes. But life goes._

  
_So I go too. I clear my head that has been made so fucking insecure; that it has started to question reality, even. For god's sake-- I mean, it's existence and all. That has to be the peak of trust issues. I don't even trust my own mind. How can I ever trust someone elses?_

  
_How can I ever think of someone so innocently like they would never, ever hurt me. Like they are just simply. . . Normal. Not sneaky, overly ambitious, not materialistic, not making fun of me or taking advantage. . How can I stop being such an idiot who tries to find something in every word, everything. Will I ever trust?_

  
_Will I ever love?_

  
_Alina is my friend for years. Way before I had this trust- complex, so Alina was just. . Alina. My Alina, my greatest friend. An actual angel, not a bitch with trust issues or a victim complex or anything._

  
_Alina was simple. I'm not._

  
_I can't ever be simple. It's always the high road, it's always pushing hard, pretending like I'm not pushing hard; then working twice as hard to cover that. Then taking the high road again because of pushing hard. One, it's a circle. And two, it's stupid._

  
_I know that. Thank you for agreeing with that._

  
_Maybe what I can't overcome is actually the fact that I can't ever leave my own head for crtiticizing every single one of my moves and how selfish that makes me._   
_I lit another cigarette._

  
_Another selfish cigarette to accompany me in this long arse car ride._

  
The court room was silent. Too silent, in fact.

  
Why would the court room be so silent a minute after the court had begun? No one speaking; the judge, the other lawyer, the witnesses. . . As a matter of fact, there were only five people in the room. The other lawyer, two witnesses and two janitors. The court was today. It should have been taking place and Luna should have been outlawyering the annoying man who defended the bastard who threatened to kill his son to get back at his wife.

  
But that's aside for now. . . Where was everyone? Where was the little child?

  
"Hey," She started to walk towards the middle of the room. "What is going on?"

  
Mr. Lee started to ramble about how late she was and how did she not know about where her client was, only to be interrupted by Luna. "Well do you know where your client is? Where everyone is?"  
Mr. Lee bit his lower lip at the moment of anger, then looked slightly down for a second. "I don't, no. But at least I'm. . "

  
"You are. . ?"

 

She knew that he was just trying to find an excuse to express his narcissism and hatred towards her, she had to be stupid to not get that.

  
"I'm a decent lawyer."

  
Luna snorted, "Oh my god," She called for the janitor right next to them. "Did you hear that? That was the worst thing he could ever say to me! You're breaking my heart here, dearest moron."

  
"At least I can win big cases instead of helping losers,"

  
"Capitalistic corporation lawyer thinks that he has the brain to play in the big league. . Or to, you know, really be a lawyer. " Luna replied.

  
He was furious with the sentence that came out of her lips, however smirked arrogantly with his words. "At least I didn't win the Vivera case. That would be a shame. And a crappy, fucked up reputation. Don't you think?"

  
With the mention of the unnecessary name, Luna felt her soul going cold. Nevertheless, she kept a straight face to not let the arrogant man get what he wants. He had to see her as a bloody god. Not like the freakshow she was born as, she had to be an unbeatable god in his eyes.

  
A god so perfect, wonderfully crafted and so bright.

  
_She was supposed to be a god._

  
_"_ My reputation is mine to think of. While Vivera is a different subject, it's really interesting that you know so many things about me. Mr. Lee, did I awaken your interests that much?"

  
Mr. Lee's brows were going upper each second with a bit of anger, exhaustiopn and a pich of shock when another woman entered the room.

  
"The case is over. "

  
Luna's head turned towards the door in the speed of light as she recognized the voice immediately, with doubts as strong as titanium. "What do you mean, the case is over?" If calmness could kill, Lisa would be a serial killer. And Luna despised that a lot, sure she felt as emotionless as her however one couldn't just be that plain on the outside, you know?

  
"Tell us!" Lee also spoke.

  
Lisa raised one of her thin brows as she began to speak, "The husband went to the wife's place last night. . . "

  
Luna looked down, taking in a deep breath while -knowing- waiting for her to go on. For her to say something that she wasn't guessing.

  
"He shot her first and then himself."

  
"The kid?" Luna found herself asking.

  
"He's alright, for now. His mother knew that his father was a danger so he was staying with his grandma for weeks now,"

  
"Good- Does he. . Does he know?"

  
"Fuck," Lee sighed in sadness, the only mutual feeling that Luna and he felt at the moment. Or ever.

  
Lisa bit her lip lightly to adjust her way of speaking. "No."

  
". . Police department?"

  
"Yes, thank you for taking it off my shoulder Luna. And you, Corporate lawyer. You're also coming with me. "

  
"What? I'm not like her, you don't need to take me to a dirty questioning room as if I'm the actual villain here,"

  
_He looked at me while saying that. Taken aback? A little. Surprised? No._

  
Lisa faked a smile as she reached for her taser, "You defended a killer, an abuser and an unstable man who commited suicide right after commiting murder. You were that man's lawyer, as I remember. And if you know about anything that has happened in that house last night. . . I will arrest you without question. And if you keep talking against my words, aka the detective who has this case, I will tase you right now and you will be kept in the station for twenty hours at least. And trust me, you don't want to stay there during the night. It's a weird world, you know?"  
Lee looked down in a flash to not express his anger but was quick the fakely follow her orders. "Alright."

  
"Good. Please follow me to my car, Mr. Lee. Luna, pick up some coffee on your way."

  
"Sure will," Luna muttered.

  
She looked around the empty courtroom with a lack of air in her lungs and her eyes filled with sadness and despisal. "Sure will."

  
  The police station was not any different from how it was during the day, in fact it always reminded the same thing to Luna. A wild sex party taking place in a massive hall, the antique drawers creaking because of the zero funding, the phones that went yellow ringing, people trying to help the callers with desperation, employees yelling at each other, detectives yelling at who ever the unlucky person who worked below them, lousy cops who kept complaining about their paychecks as they beat down innocent teens, irresponsible secretaries who continiously asked for a stapler since everyone stole that from everyone and finally, lawyers who spoke really quietly, being apart and wanting to be apart from the party because their duty was to keep the party away from their clients and them.

  
No one wanted an untameable sex party in their lives, did they?

  
Especially one that included the fellow sentence every six minutes.

  
_"Give me my stapler back you dumb fucks!"_

  
_Yes, I did count. Six minutes exactly._

  
_Which also means that Lee is in there for thirty six minutes. Did he know something? I could and couldn't tell. From being here multiple -really, multiple- times ever since the beginning of my career, all my questionings lasted less then twenty minutes._

  
_Except for, well, I think you can tell which one it is._

  
_Was he guilty? Did he carry evidence? What was it, that Lisa would keep him there for so long. She wasn't the type of person who liked empty talk or chit chat, she always got to the case straightly without any word sugaring. I liked that about her. She was simply just frank, there was never a thing she would keep from telling you._   
_Lisa felt trustable more than a lot of people._

  
_Maybe that's why I liked her. Maybe it was just because she just gave me this warm feeling of it. Of trusting. Of trusting a little bit more._   
_By the time it was ten forty, Luna didn't forget to give Yeong a call to ask for the favour of helping her out with the will case. Yeong was an old friend and he owed her a favour anyway, so that was good. Alina wouldn't be alone for so long. That aside. . ._

  
_What about the boy?_

  
_Was he there? Did he know yet? What was going to happen to the innocent boy. . ?_

  
_Would he be taken from his grandparents? Where exactly was he?_

  
  As Luna found herself battling with these questions and the oddest answers for them inside her mind, Lee was walking out of the room. Without wasting a second Lisa called for Luna, perhaps not letting her know everything on purpose so that she could figure things out deeper- and more unbiasedly.

  
Luna already knew that Lisa was closer to her on this case. She always ended up here somehow- Always this station even. It's been years of knowing eachother. It was different than just a lawyer and a head detective. It was different than friend and friend.

  
It was undescribable but somehow closer to. . .

  
Confidant and confidant.

  
  "When will you just ever stop being in everything?" Lisa's sigh filled the room, creating an echo that kind of gave her the creeps.

  
Luna felt peace in her silence as she waited for Lisa to rant for a while and as a matter of fact, she did. "Someone gets killed, it's you. Something is stolen, it's you. Some guy is being a dick, bam, Vals! Why do you have to be the thing that you have to not be, why can't you just take your paycheck?"

  
"Luna. You're not okay. I don't know what others think of you."

  
Luna raised her head to look inside her eyes to see Lisa's actual emotion at the moment. It didn't feel right, something was not.

  
Lisa should have been giving her the cold shoulder. Not. . Scolding. That was odd.

  
"To me, you have to be in a mental instution or something. "

  
"I'm here for the questioning Lisa-- I also don't remember calling you my mother."

  
The clock would go by, but it was too slow. Too out of time, for something that represented it. However Lisa did eventually ask her questions only to be met by true, dry answers. Luna didn't feel like getting deep into this, would it even make a change? The murder was done. The man was dead, the wife was dead; the child was alone. Screw the room, screw the questioning. Shouldn't everyone be with the child at this time?

  
She looked up exhausted instead of letting the words fly out of her mouth. The head detective was stone cold anyway- Especially nowadays. Still, after the whole 'scolding' part she was who she was. Plain, simple and work oriented. Luna admired that sincerely. Work propriety wasn't seen a lot these days so it felt nice and safe to see that in Lisa.

  
"Can I go now? It's almost two in the afternoon. I have a law firm, you know, "

  
"Just get out."

  
Luna started to stand up then kept up with her body as it did it's best to leave the room as soon as possible, however Lisa said one last thing that would stick inside her mind the whole day.

  
"You're being _what you're afraid of_ , Luna. Please go sign up somewhere before your stubbornness makes it last forever."

  
The rest of the day went normal. Cheap coffee, burnt milk -another skill of the talented secretary Alina-, the nicotine patches that kept falling off Alina's arm, the sound of pills getting outside of their boxes, old clients complaining about their kids not visiting them and precisely calling them 'soul eating ungrateful bastards', listening to mad and depressed divorced peoples arguments, the cries of the child of a young mother fighting for custody and finally at nine in the night exactly; silence and solitude.

  
Well, silence, solitude and smokes.

  
Luna was glad that her apartment was only a few blocks away her work place but god- It felt so safe.- No one would ever think that she lived there and that was good. Since she had a pretty busy schedule with all the clients calling, texting or mailing; she decided to spend the last hour before sleeping for mails. Clients were a lot more active there since they usually sent her folders too.  
She was already tired after answering six of the quite detail oriented e-mails, but her eyes had a brand new spark when she saw the most recent e-mail she received.

  
_**From: kimjihyun@cmail.com** _   
_**To: lvlawfirm@cmail.com** _

  
_Miss Vals, hello. In case if you do not remember, it's Jihyun, V. From the police station a few days ago. I apologize that I had to leave so abruptly, it felt disrespectful and I feel bad about it. I also remember that you worked on a lot of case types. . . I don't think I can write in detail at the moment because of an upcoming event today, however would I be too rude if I invited you for a cup of coffee? I might need a lawyer soon and I think it would be more proper if we talked about the problem face to face, I hope that we can work things out and reach to some certainty about them._   
_If you accept my request, please meet me at the cafe exactly seven blocks away from the station on Saturday. The location is in the attachments._

  
_Again, I apologize if I have been disrespectful. Very well._


	5. Aftertaste

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meetings are easy, talking is not. However when it's the eyes that meet, compassion is found; even in the dark.

  The cafe was surprisingly extra crowded, despite her wish to be around a silent place. Well, she never talked about it. It wasn’t good to feel that way when you’re being ‘chill’ about it. Luna came early on purpose to not make a bad impression and she could already use a cup for paperwork. So she made sure to find a spot near the corners because usually, clients would share more comfortably in less crowded –as much as it can be- places.

 

She was checking out some of the photos from a previous case when something hit her mind.

 

  **Shattered pieces of glass, big sharp pieces all around the floor. The pieces perfectly symmetrical, they’re in someone, a man. An innocent, unknown man; dead. He is naked as in pure. Luna is standing next to him. The house is unfamiliar. She doesn’t know what is going on.**

 

  “No, no. I won’t. Stop. That would never happen,” She muttered and took a sip from her coffee with a pinch of anxiety, then realized that she had been scratching her hands again as if there weren’t enough scars on them. She then tried to pull her thoughts together as she placed the mug on the table slowly, when the chair beside her was pulled with the most annoying creak the world has ever heard.

 

Of course Luna couldn’t help but flinch. (As if her mind wasn’t enough. Well.)

 

“Oh no, did I scare you?” A familiar voice asked, with a little concern in the sentence that could only awaken a little baby, maybe.

 

Luna cleared her throat. “No, not at all.”

 

“Still, my apologies. I can tell that I have,” Jihyun insisted, his eyes viewing her outfit as he sat down.

 

  She was wearing a black blazer with the darkest red lines on it, one seductive black pants that looked like bellbottoms from far but was sort of different –he was never good with fashion-, her shirt was also black. It made her look a lot skinnier than she actually was and Jihyun could notice that her weight way already way below the average. He could only assume, though she looked above 45 kilograms. Her nails, medium length; square, was painted the greatest shade of bloody pomegranate red, it fit her tan skin. Unlike Rika, the woman had the brownest hair that reminded him of the Hawaiian ocean waves, that landed just below her perfectly sized shoulders. It was a little reddish too, like when the sun hit the waves at seven pm. Her brows looked like tender violin strings that could almost reach inside his eyes, her eyes sparkling with the candle light coming from the counters around them. He liked this café. It was a nice place to file a divorce.

 

The thing about the divorce was not just something simple or too complex to Jihyun’s mind, it was simply something that has become something that had to happen. Now, in the future. . . He had known for a while now, he presumed that he first realized how bad he wanted to legally be single again when the twins were celebrating their tenth birthday. It started with the time when he and Rika were out for presents, when he first saw that villanous glint in her eyes, when she claimed that it was just a mean girl from high school; that girl they had ran into.

 

That was the problem, it really was just a mean girl. Rika had great high school years, even she said so. “They were one of the few years that brightened up my life,” She would express. If only you saw that twitch in her left eye just because a thirty year old girl she despised.

 

  “Very well, I assume,” She sighed, smirking a little. “How have you been? Ah, is your hand better?”

 

Jihyun looked down with a pint of gloom. “It’s better. Thank you so much for helping me out, it was really kind of you.” He thanked, with a small smile on his thin pink lips.

 

“I’m really not, just did what was necessary,”

 

“Please, have some credit. The doctors told me that there would be nerve damage if it weren’t treated, I really thank you from the heart.”

 

“Your welcome then. I’m glad you’re better.” She smiled.

 

“Let me order you a drink,” Jihyun waved at a waiter. “As a thank you, and it looks like both of us need one.”

 

Luna didn’t protest. She probably looked like the kid of two rotten fruits and Jihyun looked like he suffered from insomnia like her father.

 

“Hello, I would like a glass of scotch and. . .” Jihyun waited for an answer.

 

“Cherry liquor,” Luna decided. “Ah, may we also have some of the pie special? I’m a little hungry. That’s not a problem is it?”

 

“Why would it be?” Jihyun looked puzzled and a little mad. “You heard the lady, thanks.”

 

“I could do that myself.”

 

“I am aware, call me old fashioned but I like to be kind. So, cherry liquor, huh? Do you drink often?”

 

“Not all the time. . . Though I enjoy that one a lot. It’s sharp, yet sweet. The aftertaste, I mean. You can have some of mine, if you’d like.”

 

“That’s a fine offer, though I’ll just stick to my whiskey now.” Jihyun took out something from a little bag, yet Luna couldn’t see. “Say, what was your last name again? I know I mailed you but I can’t recall.”

 

“Vals,”

 

He raised one of his brows. Luna was used to the reaction.

 

“V-A-L-S?”

 

“I can write it down for you if you’d like.”

 

“No, no.”

 

“So, Jihyun. You said that you wanted to meet for business. . What is the occasion, may I ask?”

 

“There is one, though. .”

 

“Though. . ?”

 

She felt him sigh under his breath, his hands were a little shaky. Her fingers brushed over them a little, for a second, which she stopped the second she noticed what she was doing.

 

“Jihyun,”

 

  _Her fingers were so soft, delicate. Fragile. I could feel them vibrating a little as they brushed over my tall fingers, feeling the texture of my skin. It only lasted four seconds, until she backed away._

“You don’t have to talk now. Some people don’t do until the third meeting or so. Talk when you’re comfortable.”

 

“You’re talking as if this isn’t moronic. I’m only wasting your time, logically thinking.”

 

“You never know. Maybe you don’t trust me, maybe you don’t trust you, maybe you’re having problems—Maybe something else. It shouldn’t matter. Logically, really.”

 

The waiter arrived with the drinks as a silence took over the table, the glasses hitting the wood being the only voice.

 

Luna took a sip from her cherry liquor, then spoke.

 

“Do you know why I enjoy that painting of yours? You don’t know me, nor I know you. Yet, you managed to take an unknown piece of me and used it to colour another piece of me on a canvas. A lot of people throw shit on that painting, do you know why? Because it’s not some silly pop- culture icon or the illusion of a feeling. It’s only a feeling. I mean, people adore a book about unconditional love up until the skies, yet who loves anymore? Do people even leave their heads, can they? So they stick to surreal feelings to conceal their numbness.”

 

“If it were a Myspace wallpaper, everyone would be dazed and say; ‘This is so me.’. So if you’re not going to speak, that’s fine. People speak all the time and it’s not doing any good. I have time for silences and looking at your art, you’re good at that.”

 

He smirked a little. “Are you always good at pep talks?”

 

“Only if you’re IQ is above 130. Now, have a sip,” Luna tore apart his hands and placed the small glass in between his fingers. “Of this. Slowly.”

 

So he did, real slowly. Feeling as the bitter cherries went down his throat, leaving a trace on his tongue. The sharp taste first burned his throat, only to sweeten within seconds. It wasn’t only sweet, also quite aromatic.

 

“It’s good,” He expressed.

 

“Obviously. Now, could you at least tell me a bit about you? I’m curious both as an attorney and as simply Luna. Whoever you want to talk to,”

 

“Simply Luna. .” He smirked. “My last name is Kim, I am twenty nine. No, this is my natural hair colour, I’m a photographer slash painter. . I play the piano sometimes. I like the book ‘Audeline’ a lot.”

 

“ ‘Audeline’ ? I’ve always wanted to read that.”

 

“I could lend it to you, sometime. Do you know about the story?”

 

“Poet Dmitri goes on a journey to fulfill his teacher’s wishes and meets Audeline, an opera dancer. That’s all I know.”

 

“It’s much more than that, I swear. . The author’s wording, the small details, the descriptions, the twists. . You seem to have nice tastes, remind me to give it to you. It’s my favourite book. Ah, in fact, may I have your phone number? For business.”

 

Luna, as a matter of fact, was quicker. She slowly passed him a napkin with her number. “You give me a call and I’ll save yours. You’ll probably need it later, too.”

 

He looked at her eyes, directly with his smiling orbs. “Always nice to meet someone who has similar tastes.”

 

  Luna nodded, then thought of ways to break more ice. She was free today, so that was a plus. Usually she didn’t really try so hard to break the ice, she simply waited for them to talk but. . This man was another story. She could tell by the way her soul shivered whenever she looked at that hair and whenever the big eyes were on her. There was something so strange, something that made her want to talk. Maybe it was the art. . .

 

  “After we’re done here, would you like to visit the plaza down the street? If you have time, of course.”

 

Jihyun was taken aback for a second. “Huh.”

 

“It could be a good way to. . . Uh,”

 

“To be a little more familiar?”

 

“I guess. I don’t know. Will that make things easier for you? I’m here to help in any way,”

 

Jihyun found himself thinking only for a second. “Okay.” He just shrugged.

 

  “I’ll contact you again, Luna. Thank you for the patience. You must be busy, I’m terribly sorry for wasting your time. Truly,” He looked down, facing the concrete.

 

She felt sorry for the man for his emotions that seemed to trouble him, guessing how he could feel. It never was easy, especially if it was someone you loved and you were just confused. . Confusion was often taken as something one could have a hold of, however she knew from the first hand that it was not. It was like a hole that went wider and wider when you didn’t fill it on the right time and when it overcame it’s limit; it could drive one crazy.

 

Maybe. . .

 

“Don’t!” She got out of her head, which made her voice tense and a little loud for a second. Jihyun was confused and a little worried at the beginning, though he knew she was well. She breathed in quickly. “Talking is never easy, you’re not the only one. I promise.”

 

_I better go before I get embarrassing. Before I get, me. Truthfully._

“Good night, Jihyun.” Luna walked away before he could reply.

 

_Everything is embarrassing._

 

“Good night,” He watched her walk away, then catched a cab.

 

  Rika chopped the peppers with an unfamiliar speed, perhaps trying to conceal something with her actions, though she tried hard to not think about it. The supper had to be her focus at the moment, normally she could not care any less, though Saeran was sick. And if he was sick, V would have to take care of him and ignore her even more. She couldn’t let that happen under these circumstances. She knew it was selfish, but it was true. Things were as bad as they were now between them. So she had to ‘try’.

 

Anyway, it was simple. Two potatoes, some greens, one tomato, a little garlic, red and yellow peppers, some spice for the throat and. . .

 

“Saeyoung! Could you please set the table, dear? I’m cooking,”

 

The twelve year old walked into the kitchen and nodded. “Saeran still has a fever. .” He walked into the dining room from the long, wooden hall.

 

  It was funny how things were when they chose this house. It was a Victorian manor from the 1940s, with oak floors, doors, windows. . . And those linings. . They were in love, with each other, with the house. . .

 

They were in love. It was the december of 2006, just a year before they had adopted the twins. They only newlyweds looking for an actual house with their savings, forgetting about their apartments. They had searched tons of houses but this one. . It was different. She knew that V would choose it, like it. It was like someone like him had touched the earth and the house had appeared from zero. The lining outside was dark green, the roof black and with the biggest windows and the tallest doors; the house was a true and unique masterpiece. There was a huge driveway and the garden was averagely big. It was enough for them of course. At the entrance, you could see the statue called Nirvana. It was made by the first owner of the house, which made V make the compliment. “Angel, look at the angel.” It had made her smile, even though it wasn’t funny. Their first days here were like a tale. . . Ah, how could she forget how he fucked her back then. How could she forget the way they cooked together each night, played cards to end up in bed again, movie nights, night out’s, parties, kisses by the fire. . .

 

They were _in love!_

 

  Rika threw the knife at the counter. “Can you also check on him? I’m sorry, I think I burned myself,”

 

“I got it!” Saeyoung yelled from the other side of the house.

 

Rika was only curious. Where was her husband, why would the food not be ready, why did she enjoy how the knife sparkled when she sharpened it? You know, questions all women have on their periods. Ha. Lately, she felt a distance. Why would no one understand? Why was she the only one in pain? Why couldn’t others feel her pain?

 

She was tired. . . Yet energized. Even though she hated suffocation, she also lived for it; for it fed her darkness. That deep hole that got deeper each second ever since she was a child. As it got deeper, she could feel it, she could feel her emotions changing, snapping, drifting. . . They were in her veins, filling them. She knew calling ‘it’ darkness was a bit of a sugaring, so sometimes she called it what it was.

 

The Rika who only found solace in her shadow, the one who would live within the night sky.

 

But that was too poetic, long, cliché and V. So darkness it was.

 

  The door creaked. “Sorry I’m late,” V had said, bluntly. “Had trouble with the sales and the rain was terrifying.”

 

“It’s fine,” She gave him a soft kiss, then pushed him away harshly.

 

“Did you have to drink that crap?” Her voice was hoarse, waiting for an answer.

 

“I had to get the guy drunk to sell some work. It would be too obvious if I didn’t have any.”

 

“Whatever,” She went back to the soup. “Call the kids for the supper. I need to finish Saeran’s soup.”

 

  After a shower and tucking the kids in, he found himself roaming through his phone, pushing the buttons for the slightest distraction. He probably should have dried his hair considering his migraine, however the house felt too warm so he skipped that knowing he would regret it. The rain was now pouring even harder, the windows making noises with each single drop. He would usually enjoy it, however there was too much thunder. Which could perhaps symbolise all the tenseness he kept hidden. As he remembered to make a call to Jumin, he had a moment of a warm rememb-rance when he saw the name Luna. His eyes flickered with the beat of his heart when he jumped out of the bed with speed and grabbed his coat behind the door. While he walked, of course, Rika was nothing but tempted to ask.

 

“Where are you going? It’s raining,” She did, look at him this time.

 

“To the liquor store. You want anything?”

 

She sighed, annoyed as he grabbed his beret. “I don’t drink that crap. Do me a favour and be here in twenty minutes, darling. Let’s take out time tonight since the kids will wake up late tomorrow.”

 

Jihyun bit his lip, grabbing the brown umbrella. “Mhm.” He muttered.

 

 So the rain could get worse. How wonderful. He walked in harmony with the water, breathing in the fresh air. He thought about his interviews tomorrow, the press conference of the gallery this week, an actual conference later in the month, the trip the other. . . He certainly was busy. Though that was probably and preferably better. Because a) the better work, the better life for the boys. B) more work, less melancholy. He had a love hate relationship with schedules though he tried to keep it filled. He liked to feel busy, he liked the feeling of working. What it made him feel, maybe more than how he did it. He believed that the reason of that was simple; the photo you had crafted in your head was always better than the one you took; always. Because your head contained the perfect aesthetic filter, however how hard you tried, you could never, ever compete with that sweet mirage. You could try to get close to the mirage, to the idea of it but the closest you could get was the tip of the mirage. Maybe that was the reason why Jihyun constantly daydreamed. Took notes, or always had a camera.

 

The air was cold and suddenly it was harder to breathe. It felt nice. Numbing. He didn’t really hate it. He felt his phone vibrate and rolled his eyes when his eyes catched the contact.

 

“Jihyun! How is our leading artist doing this fine night?”

 

“Well. And so are you, judging from your voice?”

 

  Hanna Park was one of the runners of the gallery, the head of the sales department. Though since there was obviously a gallery crisis in the twenty first century, she was also some sort of a manager to the artists working for the gallery. Jihyun was completely neutral towards her, even though he sometimes disliked her show off, egotistical persona. But everyone had flaws, he assumed. So he tried to focus on her good side. Even though it was hard when she always called him so late. (Five in the morning late. Early. Whatever.) Which always surprised him because she was a mother of three, married to some detective (which wasn’t really going well) and had severe allergic asthma. He didn’t know if he was supposed to be mad or supportive at her. He was both.

“Very. You’re coming tomorrow right? There’s a press conference and then there’s going to be a symposium we all will be attending, remember that.”

 

“Right,” He stopped for a second. “What was that about again?”

 

Hanna groaned. “ ‘The effects of Technology in Art Business.’ Everyone has to show up, five in the afternoon, sharp. Understood?”

 

“Yes— ” Hanna hung up.

 

  The liquor store was surprisingly crowded. He didn’t really care much about it, just tried to be as fast as he could because it was getting even colder since it was getting late at the same time. He quickly grabbed some school snacks for the kids, some cocoa, noserags for Saeran, cigarettes, condoms, a granola bar for Saeyoung. . .

 

He made an expected stop at the alcohol aisle. He walked fastly, knowing what he wanted.

 

“Hello, Mr. Kim. You’ve been heading late these days,”

 

“Yeah,” Jihyun responded to the familiar cashier.

 

“That’ll be 26.59. Also, nice choice.”

 

Jihyun was reaching for his wallet. “What was?”

 

“The liquor, cherry. It’s also a ‘Karlott’. The good kind,”

 

“Huh. Thank you, I guess. Good night,” Jihyun left.

 

  As he walked back home, he smiled a little, remembering the glass of Karlott in between the brunette’s venomous red nails.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! thank you for reading and the comments! im afraid i cant update much this year but i promise i'll try. i hope you enjoyed the chapter and you can always share your opinion. thank you! have a fine day i guess x


	6. Plastic, Cracked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of plastic words. Aka honesty.

  “Miss, I think I’m ready.” The red headed girl breathed out, placing her backpack on the floor. She was obviously just arriving from school, you could tell by the uniform. And it wasn’t much bother or use of a brain to grasp the fact that she walked all the way. Her school skirt was all wrinkly and her cheeks had the same colour with a rose. Her braids, however, were in perfect shape; still.

 

_It drove Luna crazy._

 

“Have a seat,” Luna muttered, faking a sympathic smile. “Now, the first thing I want you to understand is that you are in the middle of the subject, alright?”

 

When the girl nodded, she continued. “I know that everyone wants you to pick a side, but you are. Only thing wanted from you, is the truth all right?” Luna took out her notepad and turned on the voice recorder under her table, carefully.

 

“Here, have some water— _Use_ a coaster.” Luna added quickly.

 

“Now, I want you to recap to me; what _exactly_ happened between your parents?”

 

  Alina walked in just when the girl’s lips were apart. “Ah, sorry!” The blonde bit her lip with a shy expression. “Do you have a minute, Luna? It’s a little urgent.”

 

“Oh. Can you wait, dear?” Luna asked the girl beside her out of kindness, yet walked away before she could reply.

 

“I hope it really is, Ali. This is my third meeting with the child and the first time that I’m actually going to get something.”

 

“Sorry, I forgot how exhausting traumatized people could get.” Alina pouted. “But it is. Ish.”

 

“Ish?” Luna raised one of her brows.

 

“So, I was at my local salon today and after I got my roots dyed, the stylist introduced me to the new nail artist they hired--”

 

“You’re losing me,” The brunette rolled her eyes.

 

“Just hear me out. Okay so it was ten in the morning, she offered me a half off manicure and I was completely okay with it,”

 

“So that’s why you were late,”

 

Alina pouted.

 

“Fine. Go on.”

 

“She asked what I wanted and I said that I wanted a french manicure and then we just started to chit chat. You know, classic silly bubblegum chat. Anyway, the artist told me that my manicure reminded her of something. And I said ‘What?’ and then she said ‘Do you happen to know anything about Bordeaux wines?’ and I said ‘Nuh- uh, all I know is that I’m way too broke.’ So then she went all chatty again and started to talk about her sisters new french husband. So it appears that he owns a grape farm in Japan and he’s super effing rich and I do mean very effing rich. I think it’s the family. They live in a mansion with twenty bedrooms, lord. Anyway, so her sister talked to her about her husband’s, Charles’s latest business. It appears that the grape farm did amazing and he has a wine business going for a year now. His business took off from the start, it’s like the whole Asia, Europe and Middle E—Wait, isn’t Middle East Asia too?”

 

“Alina.”

 

“Okay, okay! Guess why his wine business took off so quickly? Because he had a lot of friends in the art industry. And the biggest name in the city is. . .”

 

“Hwan Lim?”

 

“So apparently these two are close friends and he has been advertising the wines in all the latest art events all around the city. Get this, because of the deal, Charles was able to get in the parties and events and guess who was in there? Tip: An unreachable client who loves art and wine.”

 

“His wife!”

 

“In another words, the divorce case every lawyer wants. You’re welcome because I, Alina, your trustworthy secretary, your robin---“”

 

“Alina.”

 

“Fine, here’s the invitation! It starts at seven.” Alina passed her the white envelope. “Make sure to wear something appetizing though. You’ll have a lot of potential clients and networkers around and I heard that the wife plays for both teams. Well. I have to go make coffee.”

 

Luna smiled as she finished reading the paper. “Don’t burn the milk,”

 

“What would I know? I’m a simple secretary.”

 

 

  Showering was easy, default. However, she felt nicer than usual. The day felt more productive than her last months and she loved that. It was both funny and ironic, because she loved having her day programmed; she loved it all went like how it was planned. However it was always chaos. It was chaos ever since she stopped destroying herself when she did things and that destroyed her later, slower. It was like not taking out a bullet on your chest just because it would hurt, not even wanting to think that it would hurt even more later.

 

Chaos felt like millions of people in one room. Millions of screams in one silent room and she didn’t even know what was going on most of the time. She didn’t know. And that was the thing, not knowing. The thing was that there was always somewhere dark and untouched in her mind, it was more like an icy place she avoided to not freeze herself. Frozen, not present, but still there. For instance, the fact that she would hesitate whenever she would pet the cat outside the window. It was a lovely persian cat, it was always there, Luna loved it. It was beautiful and calm. She loved it’s soft fur, how loving it was. However she kept having urges and it just increased the frostbite.

 

 

She shook her head.

 

It wasn’t the time for the firegun. Not yet. She picked out her black dress, it was almost (almost) skin tight; a cotton, silk, poliester mix. The part from her breasts to her hips were all lace, except for her stomach and back of course. The straps went upto her breasts and she tied them behind her neck gently, enough to pull the dress together. The skirt fell just below her knees, so it was a perfectly class looking one. People always said that she had smokey eyes. And it wasn’t ‘the’ smokey eyes. They were just really brown and too glossy, she saw it more as a misused term. So she simply applied a thin layer of eyeliner and some mascara while smoking cigarettes. The essential ingredient was the red lipstick, though. Her lips were never the ideal size, but finely shaped. And the red made that just wonderfully clear. She applied some foundation and then placed the brushes back after cleaning them one by one. And of course also after fixing the mess she made, she left comfortably.

 

  The smell of cheese and wine surrounded the gallery while Jihyun was listening to his boss rambling about his latest brilliant combination of two old art areas and how it outsold. The night went on pretty slowly unlike his wishes, reminding him of the family christmases, even. His father was never one of those people who simply wouldn’t just make everything complex. And since his siblings weren’t much of a help, they always had the most traditional christmas you could ever see. It was as if the decorations, the table and the whole sentences, words jumped out of a tv christmas film and he disliked every second. He couldn’t hate them, he could never. It was the only family he could ever have except for the boys. However the dislike didn’t change the fact the fact that he was always the one who tried harder than the others to make that day more notable. Maybe it was because he believed that it was too pretty and he tried his best to fix that, ending up as the only person who actually tried.

 

It was exhausting, truly.

 

  “Do you see that man over there? He payed five million for that painting last night. Of course it was one of mine!”

 

  Jihyun sighed, then looked around for a refill. “I’m going to get a refill,” He said loudly to the men beside him barely holding himself from rolling his eyes. If he had to stay, then he would rather get wasted. The night wouldn’t _just_ pass with sobriety. There were too much people, too much words, breaths and spilled wine going around. It felt no different than a club, almost. The gallery was all white to attract more attention to the paintings, however tonight and usually during events, the lighting would be colourful. Tonight choice of colours were red and electric blue and even though it looked aesthetically pleasing, with all the people and the alcohol in the air; it felt like a club.

 

However in a single blink, it turned into something else with a new sight in the gallery.

 

  “May I offer you a glass of wine, Luna?” Jihyun courteously offered the brunette. He could clearly see that the woman was taken a little aback for she had looked down for a second, then she gripped the glass firmly. “Thank you. I’d say I was surprised to see you here, but I think me being here is the night’s surprise.”

“Indeed it is.” He smiled under his lips. “How have you been?”

 

“I’m okay. Here for some sells, you?”

 

“No. . I mean, sort of. But we had this conference earlier and now it’s time to have a ‘fancy wine tasting’ to seal that. You know?”

 

“Well, the wine is good. Do you know a Charles, by any chance?”

 

“No, I think I’m friends with his wife though. Which Charles though, the third or the fifth?”

 

Luna raised her glass in respond.

 

“Ah, yes. I know the wife. What exactly are you doing here?” Jihyun asked after giving a thought to her question.

 

She quickly summarized Alina’s story making sure to skip the unnecesarry details and sipping some wine, because it was simply not tolerablely long.

 

“That is one good secretary. Mind if I borrow her sometime?” Jihyun laughed.

 

“I don’t. She needs the cash. Wouldn’t let me write a check anyway—Shit. Sorry, that was just personal.”

 

“It’s okay. It’s better when it is. No one ever talks personal anymore and noticeably, higher suicide rates.”

 

Luna smiled. “Exactly.”

 

  After a few seconds of silence, Luna was the one to break the silence. “There was something personal with you, right?” She asked slowly, obviously not wanting to force anything on him.

 

He looked around the snobs carefully, then grabbed her wrist. “May I?”

 

She looked at him in the eye with a pint of worry in her voice unconciously. “May you. . ?”

 

He looked inside her brown eyes as if he wanted to look even deeper, then muttered under his breath with a little smile in his eyes. “Walk with me.”

 

“I don’t think this will work out in any way. It’s too crowded, maybe we should meet later. . . I mean if it’s private.”

 

He didn’t reply. They were in an even longer hallway, except the floors weren’t white, nor the walls. It was the nineteenth century India section of architectural art, which was unsurprisingly breathtaking yet surprisingly empty. She spotted the painted ceilings with infinite fractals and pallettes, almost felt like she was relearning the colours again. It felt like forever, a glance. And the floors were obviously made with the best marbles in the market, also creating whole other work of art when all were viewed at once. The marbles were coloured red, blue, green, brown and yellow at the exact order; the same order each five steps but the rule was that the same colours never, ever were near each other. The curtains and the silk carpets were almost all around the room, the whole section represented architectural art and interior objects, obviously antique and handmade. There were also paintings on the walls, yet the colours of the section were simply too hard to not be showstealers.

 

“Is this where we will stop?”

 

“Not quite. There’s a balcony just ahead. I thought you might want some fresh air.”

 

  Unlike the section, the balcony was simply emptier. Blank, white all over again. Perhaps it was just to give people a break. After a minute of silence and stares at the outside world, Luna spoke first.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“Can I just ask you one thing, Luna?”

 

“Okay.”

 

“What is wrong with you?”

 

Her eyes widened with shock and judgment, “What?”

 

  “A lawyer doesn’t wait. A lawyer is not a therapist. A lawyer doesn’t get personal. You aren’t supposed to be like this. Just, what are you?”

 

“It’s called being a human!” She defended herself.

 

“Well, yes, but definitely not a professional,” He snorted.

 

She snorted back out of annoyance. “ ‘Not’ a professional?”

 

“And you’re so perfect, Mr. Intellectual? You have been undressing me with your eyes ever since you saw me!” She yelled at him, then pushed him away.

 

“You are crazy, you unprofessional drunk! Who even drinks at a business meeting?”

 

“Says the ‘artist’ who drank ten glasses of wine on a work night! Not to mention that it was your idea to order drinks!”

 

Jihyun laughed angrily, “And you counted? Also, it was out of kindness! You,” He smiled, “You were _supposed to_ say no!”

 

“Oh, please. Your boss’s husband kept moving away from you. You reek of wine, you’re disgusting, you know that?” She laughed back at him.

 

“And you’re a control freak! You have been collecting empty glasses and giving them to waiters the whole night!” He screamed at her while pulling his own hair out of exhaustion.

 

“You are a pervert! You knew I was here the whole time didn’t you?”

 

“Please, that dress screamed. Were you here because of business, Luna? Or do you always ‘connect’ with clients?”

 

“Take that back!” Her lips moved angrily as she could feel an earthquake in her vocal cords.

 

“You are an obsessive, crappy lawyer.”

 

“And you, you are a pervert and a shitty alcoholic. If you’re going to do it, then do it well. You reek.”

 

“So do you,” Jihyun got closer to her. “You reek of white wine. It’s not even that good. Tasteless.”

 

“It looks like we’re both clear then.”

 

“Of what?” Jihyun snapped.

 

“Plastic words. Don’t you think?” Luna snapped back at him.

 

“That was ugly.” He spoke before he thought.

 

“Because it was the truth.” Luna breathed out. “Everything.”

 

“I’m a pervert, then.”

 

“Only if I’m _that_ crazy.”

 

“I’m not going to apologize.” He said, calmly.

 

“I know.”

 

“You what?”

 

“Weren’t you sick of it?”

 

“Sick of what?”

 

“ _Pretending._ That was all we were doing. Just look back. Our conversations, our ‘meeting’ that day, our chat over a silly book, we are almost thirty. We were playing pretend. We were just reading to each other what we thought was right and just ignoring the bad. Or burying it instead of seeing the actual thing.”

 

“We are terrible people.” He nodded.

 

“You are married.”

 

“You have issues. And well, you know I’m married.”

 

“It looks like you know crazy.”

 

“I know crazy.”

 

“Were you even looking for a lawyer?” Luna asked then, looking straight into his eyes.

 

“Honestly,” He moved closer. “No.”

 

  The next thing she felt was his warm lips on her cold ones and at the rest of the night, the feeling of the soft Indian silk carpet on her back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) hi. the thing is, this MIGHT be poorly edited because i am too tired. anyway, i hope you liked how things went down! please let me know, it matters. also, i finally have a playlist for this fic! my spotify user is umathron and you can listen to the music that helps me a lot while writing. i love sharing music with people and i hope to share it with more. i hoped you liked the chapter! have a good day, juillet x
> 
> 2) twitter: @adoleswercy ; you can follow/dm because i like to interact with more people. wee.


	7. Young and Stupid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Homecoming at four in the morning and some consequences.

  She counted the minutes. Sleep? It wasn’t really necessary at the moment. Coffee was good at keeping her awake the whole time. She waited the whole night. An entrance. A call. A message. There was nothing; so she tried to distract herself for the first few hours by doing some work, answering some e- mails, checking up on the boys, doing some laundry and sketching. Sketching always took her mind off things, however tonight was different.

She had been having dreams. She had been having dreams of somewhere good, she had been walking with peace and love in her heart, for the first time in years. She saw the twins, she saw them hug her, thanking. She saw people smiling, laughing, _thanking._ And then she would end up in a cathedral. A dark cathedral, alone. The twins would be gone, the happy people, all she could see was then a crying priest, whispering; _“Why?”_

And then, Rika would wake up. She had been sketching ever since. Not that she was good at it, in fact terrible, yet it was a comforting thing for her. Jihyun was the artistic talent in the family of course, yet it still gave her joy to draw her inner complications. Such as her parents, her dark, her drunken husband and how hard she tried for everyone. She just wanted to _help._ She wanted to make everyone happy! She wanted love. She wanted. . . Love. . .

She wanted their love, she wanted everyone’s heart. Only love could repair the damage, for that was the reason there ever was damage. She knew only more hearts could fix her. So she sipped more coffee, she closed her sketchbook and started to prepare her papers due tomorrow. It was four already, so she had to prepare the boys breakfast in two hours. She sighed, knowing that sleeping was already a long gone thing to do. But then, she heard the door.

  “Hey,” She jumped off the couch quickly.

“Hi.” Jihyun greeted her, looking down. “You shouldn’t have waited up.”

“But I did.” She smiled. “How was the meeting? Oh—Just let me get you something to eat. You must be exhausted.” She added, walking to the kitchen while gesturing him.

“It was a conference.”

“Whatever, tea or coffee?”

“I don’t care.”

He could feel her biting her lip.

“Fine, there you go.” Rika passed him a mug. “Now, give me all the details. How did it go?”

“It was okay. . . I think I might get promoted soon. A few pieces of mine were sold during the afterparty. And more copies were ordered, so that has to be good. I’m sorry that I’m so late, though. The boss’s partner had an asthma attack and we were at the ER for three hours.”

  _“Hey, are crazy ladies always so good in bed, ‘Intellectual’?_

_“I hope so. . . But I never saw one on top, how would I know?”_

_He smiled when he heard Luna laugh._

_“I guess we will never know until you do, no?” She whispered, then got off the floor._

_“Hey, where are you going?”_

  “My, is she okay?”

_Oh, she is._

“ _He_ will be. Just heavily sedated.”

“I’m glad. . . But you could have called, you know?” She snapped.

“I’m sorry. . .” He sighed.

“Why do you always talk to me like I’m an errand?” She got off the chair beside him.

“I’m not, I’m tired!” He massaged his temples.

“Well so am I! I keep chasing children and working and cooking and everything! Why won’t you ever understand? I’m sick of this house! I’m sick of being trapped!”

“Now you’re trapped? _You_ are trapped? Rika, I’m going blind!” He screamed.

“Oh my lord, it was an _accident!_ Stop crying and get over it! Why can’t you just love me? Why can’t you love me again? God, I’m so sorry. That wasn’t me. That can’t be me. V, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. Let’s just—”

“Is something wrong?” Saeyoung asked from the doorframe, looking at them both with eyes of worry.

“Yes!” Rika exclaimed, “It is!” She walked away from the room.

“What?” Saeyoung wanted to ask more, however was shushed by Rika when he felt her grabbing his wrist and in a blink, they were walking to the bedroom. “We, are going on a trip. All of us.”

Jihyun’s eyes widened and he started to run. “Saeyoung, no,”

“Go wake up your brother, okay?” Rika requested. Saeyoung started to walk away with his sleepy eyes, however Jihyun was quick to grab him by the shoulders softly. “No, no. False alarm. Go back to sleep, don’t wake him up. Just go back to sleep,” He muttered, then walked to the bedroom as the boy walked to the opposite way.

  On the bright side, Rika had stopped packing. The room was silent.

“You said love would heal me. You said. . . You said that. You said that as I cut your wrists, you said that as I hit your back, you said that while I  bit your shoulders and you said that while I threw our wedding china at you. So what if I blinded you? You _loved_ me. You _believed_ in me. You said that love would save me. Well I’m waiting! Where is your love?”

“I was young and stupid!” He yelled back. “Love isn’t therapy and I am sorry for the hundreth time— “

“So I am stupid?” She raised her brow.

Jihyun stood silently, simply closing the door.

“This is your fault.” She smiled. “I mean, I _love_ me. The kids _love_ me. You ruin everything!” She yelled. “You trapped me in this ridiculously big house with two kids, which none of them are actually ours—” She kept talking and smiling as tears rolled down her cheeks.

“I never wanted this, any of this. I’m not a mother. I ‘m not cut out to be a mother. You wanted a family and you pushed it on me!”

“Rika, we talked about this.” Jihyun sighed.

She walked closer, “I don’t care!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, making Jihyun flinch. Rika then stopped talking and sat on the unmade bed, covering her face as more tears faced the room. He walked towards him.

“Just say it.”

“Say what?”

“Do you love me like the way you loved me before?”

“No.”

She sighed. “Tell me when.”

“When. . ?”

“What changed that?”

“You took my sight.”

“You are a hypocrite, you said you would go blind for me!”

“Everyone says that, Rika, I didn’t think you would actually blind me! No one would see that coming and you know what?” He laughed. “Now I won’t!” “You said that you would watch ‘Jeux D’enfance’ for me but did you? People in love LIE!” He laughed out of his anger once again.

“Lies are love.” Rika whispered. “Lies are love.”

“Your love is a lie, V. You never really answered me.”

Rika got closer to him. “Do you love me? Even a tiny bit. Do you love me?” She pleaded.

He sighed, his hand traveling in his hair. “I do.”

“Ah! V! Then let’s not ruin this, alright? You love me. I mean—“

“Rika, I won’t if you don’t get help.”

“Just for the last time, are you willing to give me a last chance? For our children?  They have gone through so much already, and a divorce? And I don’t think I can ever live without you either.” And he knew perfectly what she meant by that.

“Love isn’t a healer. Doctors are. You see your psychiatrist and I will try for this family to work.”

“I will. I promise. I will.”

“Fine.” Jihyun stood up and walked into the walk in closet to change out of his clothes.

“Are you going to sleep?” Rika asked loudly.

“Yes, are you?”

“Okay.” She shrugged.

 

  The difference in the bed at that night was that Jihyun didn’t sleep for a second. He never did after a fight like this. Rika would have too much mood swings and someone had to be careful of her.

He knew he wasn’t perfect. He simply wasn’t and he used to blame himself for it but he didn’t anymore. He made mistakes with Rika, tons of them and he had came into terms with those. He accepted his wrongs and even though he didn’t feel the same about their marriage, he blamed himself everyday deep down because of her condition. Maybe if it wasn’t for his stupid words a few years ago, she would get _actual_ help and not get this bad. He didn’t even know anymore, was this love? He hated her, he loved her. He didn’t know. He knew that this love wasn’t the same as the love before. Before. . . It was like Rika was the only one. It had to be her, even though it gave him pain, even though he suffered, it had to be Rika. But now he was just scared.

Of what the blonde could have inside her mind, of things she could do, would do. . .

 

  However he knew one thing: This was his fault too. And before he were ever to leave, he had to clean the mess up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my anxiety increased so i write more uwu i love you people; leave kudos/comment if you like this story, love juillet x


	8. Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luna makes some inner judgement about the other night; was it a one night stand? Does she want it to be one? Meanwhile, Jihyun has a word or two with Alina.

**NOVEMBER 1 st 2009, 6:00 AM**

 

She opened the door fast, wanting to get her coffee already. She ran out of her sleeping pills, so the night was definitely not the best one. She took off her scarf and sunglasses, sighing at her sleepless eyes and hickeys. Luna started to go through her drawers to find any of these items: Concealer, pain killers, cigarettes or a Kitkat. However, all she received was a broken nail and a tester tube of concealer. But would it do the job? Yes. So score. She never used much makeup except for business related times. She hated makeup, oppositely. She was blessed with clear skin already, why ruin it with paint? It was funny because her mother used to say that too when she was beginning to turn into confused young woman, really. Her mother, Magda, was the prettiest woman Luna could ever see. Gorgeous green Bette Davis eyes, perfectly straight blonde hair; thin sharp brows, a small nose and the body of a model. Luna was nothing like her; from the moment she was born. Not her pretty mother who was also everything her family represented: Materialism. Magda Vals was not only a ‘trophy wife’ but also a gambler who liked being treated like dirt. The only trait they shared could be the clear skin, yet Luna never got see her mother without her seven layers of foundation for the bruises on her skin.

 

  The seven layers were easy. First came some cream to soften the face. Then a little bit of white eyeshadow, for she was a brunette, on the spots. Then liquid foundation was to be applied slowly with dots, rubbing only the spots. Then came the powder. After that, liquid foundation again on the whole face and neck, especially. You would look like ‘an uncultured swine who didn’t ever pick a Cosmo’ before. Her mother had always been creative at insults. “If you’re going to do something, you might as well do it well—Or don’t at all.” As Magda used to say. Next, bronzer. Finally, finishing liquid touches. And there you have it, the iconic Magda glamour.

 

“You had sex!” Ah. So that was who came in.

 

“And?” Luna snorted at her friend.

 

“Nothing, I mean, finally. But hey—“ Alina stopped and passed her a bagel from the bakery downstairs while having a bite of her butterbun, aka her favourite thing about work; the fact that she was so close to butterbuns and chamomile tea. “Didn’t you stop taking your birth control months ago?” She managed to speak, making noises instead.

 

“Alina,” Luna gritted her teeth. “For fuck’s sake, chew that. And yes, why?”

 

“Oh, so you used a condom.”

 

“You could say that.”

 

“He pulled out didn’t he?” Alina guessed, smiling.

 

“Whatever, I have the wife’s number. She said that she’d consider me after a business dinner.”

 

“Ah, well good. You didn’t get into much detail did you?”

 

“No, I faked a divorce I was having so that she would also talk about it, which she did. And then I said ‘Hey, I’m a lawyer!’ and then we had a few fake laughs and she asked for my business cell.”

“What was her name again?”

 

“Solar Won.”

 

“Solar. . . Sounds like an affair name you know,” Alina laughed.

 

“What?”

 

“You know. . . How on TV there are that type of women and some names just remind me of them. Mirage too!”

 

“Eh. Mirages are always bitches.” Luna nodded. “Ask my sister.”

 

“Shit, that was her second name wasn’t it? Sorry.”

 

“It’s really not offensive, Ali.”

 

“Who was the guy?” Alina changed the subject to switch the uncomfortable weather in the room.

 

Luna sighed, playing with her bagel while reaching for her phone.

 

“Just someone. I’m going out for a few. Ring me if someone comes, all right?”

 

“Yeah. . .” Alina leaned to her desk, thinking.

 

  Alina had a bad feeling about this _new_ _someone_.

 

  “A carton please. Oh, and the Kitkat.”

 

“That’ll be 7,15.”

 

Luna went out back on the street trying to decide. What exactly happened last night?

 

Her and Jihyun, just what happened? It went from being formal, to true glances. And then it was fake tenderness again, followed by a few real remarks. Afterwards, they played pretend again until they arrived to the balcony. And after that, what happened?

 

The truth.

 

  When Luna thought about her career ever since Vivera, which was now five years away, she saw one thing: A void. The void that had spread from her heart to her whole body, therefore her whole world. It was a disease, nothing ever stopped going blank. Nothing ever stopped not making sense and therefore making herself hate herself more. Kai Vivera had stolen what was left of her, the part that kept telling her to continue. The part that kept her ambitions going, the Luna that had finally learned to love herself with her flaws and mistakes; the her that held on the things that were _left_ , not gone.

 

For a while, death felt like an option. Her head didn’t stop, reality became blurry, medication became useless, sleep became a dream in a far away land. She tried distractions. However, words would have no meanings, films would be a waste of time, games would be boring and music wouldn’t be loud enough to shush her thoughts. There were three things: Her, 2004 and all the blurs inside her head; around her.

 

Those were the three things Kai had left untouched in her. And those three things were enough to screw up her career.

 

  She lit a cigarette, sat on a bench. Truth was harsh. Truth was painful and it burnt harder than flames, literally. But it was the truth, and maybe that could be what she needed instead of pushing things away, postponing the thunderstorm.

 

She was trying to decide. But her decisions were always bad. She grabbed her phone from her pocket, going through her contacts.

 

  Alina read her magazine while eating her second butterbun. Today, her hair was still perfectly styled, being the daughter of a hair stylist giving her all the tips for perfect curls. Otherwise, they looked straighter than Zac Efron. She sipped some of her tea, enjoying the taste of honey in it. She loved Luna a lot, however when she wasn’t around ‘work’ was just easier. Probably because nothing was going on, oops. But the magazine added zero comfort to that fact. Her head just wouldn’t cooperate. She knew that she was overreacting. But this was Luna and considering the past few years; it hadn’t been a very stable one. Alina placed the Vogue on her table and started to walk towards Luna’s.

 

 _Just checking. Making sure. That’s definitely not invading private space. Just being a good friend._ She thought. After looking at a few drawers, she sighed at how normal those belongings were and started to go through some documents on the table. And god, there were a lot. Perhaps they could be more organized if Alina did her job properly. She took a mental note and read the folders more carefully until she heard the door.

 

“May I help you?” She asked, placing the folders on her table for organizing.

 

“Who are you?” The man asked her, obviously puzzled.

 

“I work here, who are you?” Alina talked back, wiggling her brows. “Do you need a lawyer or not?”

 

“You must be Alina.”

 

“Who is asking?”

 

“Oh, sorry. I met your friend last night, Luna? She told me about you. Jihyun Kim.”

 

“She went out for a few minutes, would you like some tea? She’ll be back in five. Ah, is it urgent?”

 

“Actually, I’m here for something else.”

 

“Alright. I hope you like chamomile tea. I can make some coffee too if you’d like, of course,”

“No, I’m okay. Thank you, tea will do.”

 

“So, she told me that she was heading there for a client,” Alina started, wanting to see if this blue haired weirdo was the new someone or an actual client. Or a creep.

 

“That you found for her.” He added.

 

 _Huh. So you’re trying to let me know that you’re not that stupid, alright._ Alina understood, then smiled.

 

“Thanks for the compliment, I assume.”

 

“She told me that you are very resourceful, yes?” He sipped his tea.

 

“Depends.”

 

“Do you have a card, Alina? Does that also depend?”

 

Smirking, Alina grabbed a pen and a piece of paper. “Just tell me what you are looking for and we’ll keep in touch.” She passed him the piece slowly. “What do you want?”

 

“I want someone who can watch for me, however it has to be in front of everyone. I need a fly, you know what I mean?”

 

“Perfectly. Give me a call in three days sharp darling, also,” Alina stood up and walked back to her desk, “I’ll talk to you about your payment, it’ll depend on how hard the fly is to catch. And they usually are, so you’ll have to be generous.” She explained.

 

“Which I am.” He answered confidently.

 

“Alright. The door is right over there, bye bye!” She kept the business short and went back to her Vogue, thinking of the list of flies around the town.

 

  It had been like what, twenty minutes? Luna knew she had to head back before Alina was stuck between impatient wives, criminals and crying kids. However she was glad that she had made the phone call, maybe it was needed for years, maybe. Or certainly. Yes, definitely certainly. She had made an appointment for Sunday, luckily Doctor Taemin worked on Sundays too. It felt like a step towards reality. Or the idea of it. He was probably annoyed at her though, considering how irresponsible she was all the time. Could she blame him? No. She was the impulsive one who thought she knew better, at the time. You make mistakes when you’re young. She was young, a foreigner and a recently graduated lawyer who knew nothing or no one but her books, or the music on the radio. She didn’t know anyone except for Alina, she didn’t know how people were, she didn’t know how competitive people could be.

 

She remembered her 2001 internship, it was a thrill. The lawyer she worked with was a great inspiration, even a better mentor. From the first minute, unlike the bosses of some of her friends; he was pretty friendly with her, even nice. She knew why though, his daughter who had died in 1998 was also a law student. And apparently, they were alike. Even though the man was severely hurt seeing what his daughter could be doing everyday, he tried his best for Luna and believed in her. Things were going wonderful, they were a good pair, that was because! Always together in cases, he even let Luna take over at times during presentations. It was ironic how one of the biggest cases they had won would be a great loss in the end.

  On the Christmas of 2001, her boss; Mr. Rye threw a christmas party to celebrate their latest case. And there were many guests, most were his friend, however notably one was none other than Kai Vivera. Kai was twenty six at the time; mature, handsome with his dark brown hair and his killer brown eyes that matched his silky skin. He was an economist and a very good one. Despite his young age, he already made millions, which surprised people often. And he. . . How could one describe Kai Vivera? Charming, formal, funny even. . . Kai was the more formal version of every man you could read about in a romance novel. Shortly, he was the dream most girls would reject to look more unreachable.

 

But sometimes dreams became nightmares and Kai was no exception.

 

  One of the reasons why she stopped having a life except for work after 2004. And if she wanted to be away from all the lies she kept telling herself, why not not leave the truth behind? A few days ago, Luna would never do this. She wouldn’t just jump into someone’s lap, she wouldn’t want to try, to bother. But there were her losses and there were stuff left behind. And what was gone was gone. She had to face it. She had to start chasing the truth and play on what was left. It wasn’t right. The thing she was about to do wasn’t right, but she had to. She wasn’t going to let the truth leave. Not this time.

 

She took out her phone. She dialed the number.

 

  “Hello?” His voice was broad, yet still gentle.

 

“Hi, are you busy?” She asked, feeling her fake confidence leaving her.

 

“No, not at the moment.”

 

“I just wanted to talk about. . .”

 

“Last night?”

 

“No. And yes.” She sighed. “The thing is, I need you to let me speak for a few minutes.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“I went directly to my office after the goodbyes. It was just how it was during the dawn, quiet. So I had time to think a little. I thought about your words. And what they made me think of. And how bad I wanted. . . Being frank. So I will be frank with you, Jihyun.”

 

She let out a deep breath.

 

“We met twenty-ish days ago. And I wouldn’t say this twenty-ish days ago. I wouldn’t say this two days ago and I wouldn’t say this twenty four hours ago. Because I think I wouldn’t bother to go out of my comfort zone. Try for other people, without any business I mean. I wouldn’t just make this call and I would certainly not get emotional. But there this goes. . .” She stood up from the bench, watching life go by around her as she spoke.

 

“When I think about all the things you said to me last night. . . I think you _are_ good for me. And I want to be good for you. And I want you around, I want your perverted looks around, I want to have more drinks with you, I want you around.”

 

"Luna, you do not know me. At all." She heard him sigh at the other end.

 

"I know. But you made me feel something last night and it's just. .. I didn't feel like that for a while. Have you?" She asked, then went on. 

 

“I know how this sounds, how crazy it sounds and perhaps you want to hang up. And it’s fine. I guess. But. . .”

 

No lies. Not anymore.

 

“I think I want to try because you are right; I don't know  _you!"_

 

 _"_ I know how impulsive this is. But I think I want you to stay."

 

“Stay where?” His voice was bitter, yet a little shaky, as if he was holding on to his phone.

 

“In my life. I don’t care how, maybe however you like it, maybe frie---“

 

“Look around.”

 

Luna felt her hand tensing, slowly turning around to see the other side of the street.

 

  He was there, holding his phone to his ear as tight as she did.

 

“I was looking for you.” He muttered. “I’m coming from your office.”

 

“Ah.”

 

“Do you still want me to stay?” He asked, maybe as emotional as she was.

 

“I think I do.”  She managed to smile even though she was more nervous.

 

“I know a good brunch place down the street.” He suggested. “We can talk more if you want.”

 

“I do. Will you be ‘kind’ though?” He knew what she meant perfectly. ‘Kind’ was untrue.

 

“No. Will you?”

 

“No.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Alright.”

 

“You ready to hang up?”

 

“I think so.”

 

  She hang up, slightly smiling as she watched him walk to her from the other side of the street. He was beautiful. Long blue hair dancing in the wind, his eyes in hers. And in a single breath, there he was, standing next to her. Then, leading her the way as they started to walk.

“Did you just hang up on me?” He asked with droplets of sarcasm in his voice.

 

“Cry me a river.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Oh, won't you stay with me  
> 'Cause you're all I need  
> This ain't love, it's clear to see  
> But darling, stay with me."
> 
>  
> 
> okay the thing is this took so much time. shit. but hello peoplez. i honestly feel terribly depressed this week and having the worst anxiety relapse so i have been writing it off. please leave a kudos/comment if you like it, i want to know if you like where this is going. have a great day, juillet x


End file.
